


for the record

by spills



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Compliant, Cuddling, Established Relationship, Guidebook Spoilers, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:39:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27395107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spills/pseuds/spills
Summary: "Tell me something terrible.""What kind of terrible thing do you want to hear Rin?""Something honest. Something about you."
Relationships: Komori Motoya/Suna Rintarou
Comments: 12
Kudos: 68





	for the record

**Author's Note:**

> I've been losing my mind over these two for the past?? 48 hours?? I slept at 5am yesterday. I'm not okay. My brain is in scrambles. This wouldn't leave me alone. Anyway!! Spoilers for the guidebook!! Thank you Furudate-sensei for making all my wildest dreams come true and then some!

“Tell me something terrible.” 

It’s a little ritual that the two of them had created when Rintarou has found himself spiralling into another episode, unable to get out of bed until Motoya eggs him on to go take a shower, and then they crawl back under the sheets together. Times like these are when Rintarou climbs on top of Motoya and Motoya runs fingers through his hair, wraps an arm around his waist and keeps him close. 

There’s the thud of Motoya’s heart beating against his ribcage and Rintarou closes his eyes, letting his breathing match even to the rhythm in Motoya's chest. Motoya scratches his scalp, voice soft, but clear when he asks: “What kind of terrible thing do you want to hear Rin?” 

“Something honest. Something about you.” 

Motoya laughs at that, just as soft and still as sweet despite his terrible gremlin tendencies at times.

At times, Rintarou can’t help but think that’s why he’s so attached to the other man - again, gentle reminders of the obtainable. Usually, when they have moments like these, what the other man will say is bound to hurt, make Rintarou’s heart ache. In hazy moments of apathy and disinterest, Rintarou thinks that this organ, the muscle in his chest is useless, so it might as well stop. It’s times like these when he allows sorrow to wash over him in waves, just to feel something that won’t make him feel so hollow. 

Convince him that he isn’t simply _here_ , and yes, he cares. He cares so much sometimes that his body and brain decide to give up, and again _who needs memories_ but the truth is he has trouble deleting all the photographs and videos that he took in his phone. Saves them in pen drives, probably has a dozen of them now, but never bothers to boot them up, scroll through them. He’s tried before, but some photos still stick out and he unfortunately remembers how the Rintarou at the time felt in those images, even if it’s a time long gone. Rintarou wishes he wasn’t the sentimental sort, it conflicts with the placement of his stars and planets - or whatever Akagi-senpai had said about his bad personality at the time upon pointing out sigils and lines that Rintarou had no idea what they meant, but had retained his upperclassman’s decree of _“Man, are you even okay?”_ while sporting a hint of genuine concern weeks before his third-year’s graduation that year. 

Rintarou couldn’t really talk about the crushing loneliness of sharing a bunk bed with a stranger that he couldn’t really vibe with. The distance in living with someone but not knowing them well enough, and not trying to get to know them because it’s hard to trust other teenage boys. Getting sick and the first person that imagines wanting to be by his side being volleyball teammates and not a cute girlfriend, and how he hides his medication for courtesy’s sake. He remembers craving family at times but they’re so far away, but again, he had made this decision to study at Inarizaki because gaining an athletic scholarship is pretty fucking sweet. His little sister who would send him selfies and text messages about her latest obsessions while also sending the occasional [ _hey shithead, r u taking care of urself_ ] which never fails to elicit a little bubble of laughter that Rintarou would stifle. 

Waking up was difficult, but mandatory. Athletics is one reason to get up everyday, because taking care of the body is simply a requirement when you’re on a sports scholarship, when it’s the career path you choose simply because it’s laid out before you. Again, self-doubt, sometimes - an empty kind of guilt since he probably doesn’t love volleyball for volleyball, sticking around for the people he meets and Motoya. 

He got to meet Motoya so that’s pretty neat, lacing his fingers with his boyfriend’s who’s humming softly, clearly deep in thought. 

“How terrible do you want it to be?” Rintarou can hear the smile in Motoya’s voice, and the sound should scare him, but he’s gotten used to it. Learns not to fear it, because Motoya is blunt and honest and shares only what he’s willing to share. 

“Spicy,” Rintarou answers with ease, shorthand for _make it hurt._

“Alright,” and Motoya cups his cheeks and looks Rin in the eyes with a smile gracing his face, the slightest flash of teeth. No light from the afternoon sun coming in because the blinds are all pulled down, and Rintarou can feel his breath hitch. “Some days, I wonder if you’re in a relationship with me because it’s easy. That I was just there because I offered myself to you on a silver platter, because I was convenient - you chose me,” and yeah, that hurts, even if Rin was expecting to pull all the air out of his lungs, he wasn’t expecting that. Not with Motoya looking at him as if he’s still so dear, so precious, and maybe just a hint apologetic. 

Rintarou stays quiet though, because he knows that Motoya wouldn’t just leave him hanging on such a thin thread. Won’t let his sentences fester into nightmares, always offering explanations to dissuade him of his fears. Rintarou waits, and Motoya’s smile goes lopsided, kissing his forehead and whispers, “Sorry, I’m actually a lot more insecure than I act. A lot more jealous than I mean to be sometimes. I’m scared you’ll love me less if I admit all that.” 

Here comes the babbling, and Rintarou rests his palm on the back of Motoya’s knuckles as his partner starts his little tirade. “Just because I love something doesn’t mean I’ll be good at it you know?” and there’s a hint of something wedged in Motoya’s throat that he doesn’t elaborate on, and Rintarou doesn’t pry, “And just because I love you doesn’t mean love is going to be enough to make someone stay,” and this time Rintarou can’t help but crack a smirk at that, sideways, because Motoya is being silly.

It’s a little terrible, how Motoya makes revealing the biggest fears stored in oneself seem easy. It makes Rintarou almost a little jealous before he remembers how Motoya is chained to the people he loves, and won’t be willing to let go any time soon, as long as Rintarou reminds him again and again that _yes, it’s you that I want._

So Rintarou says it out loud, with his whole chest, low and promising, “I want you. I doubt myself getting out of these moods, but you make it easier for me to look forward to tomorrow. You doubt yourself, but I don’t doubt you,” and rolls himself to the side, wants to return the favour of being held. 

Motoya complies easily, letting his limbs tangle messily with Rin, “Okay. But for the record, I love you,” and Motoya kisses him on the mouth, chaste, “Love you so much Rin.” 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> cycling through various stages of passing away on [ twitter!! ](https://twitter.com/rinrintoya)


End file.
